more than half my life has been spent pursuing grades. funnily enough, it didn't start of this way, good grades were almost a given. i puzzled over why others were so troubled n had difficulty. but knowingly or unknowingly, i would never know, i joined in the rat race for As. Can't reach it? nevermind. some day i would. some day i must. getting As felt like drugs to the addict. getting it elicited release of endorphines, at least i think it did. every A gotten pushed the expectations higher and higher. never mind the occasional slips. it happens to everyone. the point is to clear the hurdle n once again raise the bars. 4.2, 4.25, 4.3. not satisfied, even angry, so much energy expanded and yet thats it? did i go about it the wrong way? was i expecting too much, mugging too much like ppl say? maybe. perhaps. but is there anything i can do about it? do i want to do anything about it? do i dare?
i dropped by jon ryder's blog, n i was hit. hit by what i have been missing out. Dr ryder has achieved much, musician, photographer, dentist, philantrophist of sorts. the point is not tt he has excelled in whatever he dabbles in. the point is he turns interest into part of his life. i wish i could do that. the problem is, what interests have i to begin with? all my 21 years, i have taken the road well travelled n hardly doubted it, i even look upon those who deviated with a little scorn and i didn't understand why they would want to deviate. money is not everything, but without money, life is really hard. how to we balance the need to survive in this compexly fabricated society tt runs on finite resources which are evidently running out but still pretends its ok, with the simpler things in life? we were born with nothing but ourselves. why are we afraid to lose what we have? (oh but come on, there are still things tt we need! reality!) how shld i carry on from here? is there a destined path tt i shld take? if there is, how would i know the way?
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