suffocating...

i wonder if its just me, or sg is really getting a little to overcrowded for comfort... its hard to find a public place where u can walk abt w/o feeling crowded, esp during weekends. it also doesn't help tt there are ppl who are inconsiderate... it can really make life v frustrating... yup...

jan 2008

jan 2008 seems to be so long... yet the pace seems so fast at the same time... been filled with quite a lot of activities... lots of thoughts... lots of problems... but i think n i hope its all for the better... now is the time to get into gear for studies n not think too much abt other stuff... yup... jiayou!!!

still waters run deep

sometimes i feel that i'm keeping a large part of myself hidden beneath the thick surface layer... think too much, say too little, hide too well. probably why i'm i can bluff 16 ppl into believing i'm not the polar bear. or maybe, i don't even know who i am, what i want. i think now i do, slowly but surely, i am finding myself, jus tt the repercussions of it are rather taxing. one thing i know for sure, people change. that's an impt thing to keep in mind. b it friends, family, lovers, we all need to give one another space to grow, room to change and freedom to be who they are.

looking forward to finding myself!
thanks to all those who love me as I am.

nite cycling!

went marine parade with superman rather early with the intention of kbox-ing... but alas... its no longer there! so it was lunch n den time wasting (its not easy to waste time intentionally! walk ard, do jigsaw puzzle at coffee bean... stoning... talking...for 10 hrs!!!) yup... finally hongwei came at 7.30 for dinner... ya n we thot many were coming for dinner... aniwaes, dinner was ok... its the company tt matters more to me... after dinner it was cycling time!!! the route was as follows: ecp->indoor stadium via fort rd(din manage to catch jay chou)->laupasat for supper n jan babies bday celebration->sentosa via tanjong pagar -> geylang for breakfast (saw 4 the first time "workers" at work) -> back to ecp -> home. this being my virgin exp at nite cycling, i would say its rather fun... but one really needs to take care esp on the roads... n mus really take care of one another... im glad to have gone for this yep trip... its brought me a bunch of gd friends n a special someone ;) hope to have more such fun outings!!

i dun feel good at all

every moment that i feel happy, i feel disgusted at myself at the same time for being happy, because i am feeling happy at the expense of someone else. i really dunno how long i will take to feel a little better abt being happy... i really dun... i feel greedy... i feel selfish... i feel angry even, for gg ahead n doing something which did not feel right from the very beginning, pretending everything is right, making promises i can nv fulfil, n doing something wrong at the end. i know i hurt someone real bad. i wish i could bear all the hurt myself...why did i have to need another person to know wat my heart truly needs? all i wanted was a love tt's stress free, tt will let me be myself, tt will let me love the other person even without losing my sense of identity, tt will let me love him much more den i love myself, tt will let me risk doing things tt r pure absurdity. is this all bad timing? i honestly dunno who will really understand wat i have done, why i have done wat i did. i dun expect ppl to think well or approve of what i did. i dun need any of tt actually, becos i followed wat my heart told me to do, even though it hurts everytime i think of the destruction this decision brought. even if in the end, i lose everything, i will not regret, bcos i have done wat i want to do. i jus hope one day, things will be alright.

离开错的才能和对的相逢。。。 到现在，我知道这是真的，对于他，感觉是对的，对于他，除了亏欠，还是亏欠。我不知道如何帮他愈合伤口，我想我应该做不到。希望对的人能出现，让他幸福。也希望，我是对的人，带给他幸福。。。希望，希望。。。

我是不是个差经的人？或许吧，可是现在，我只能说抱歉，我想往前走，因为再回头一切都会是不一样，而结果却还会是一样的。。。对不起，对不起。。。

till now...

i still feel bad abt the most shocking thing i've done in my life... blame it on my ignorance... remember reading somewhere before tt what initially seems like opposites complementing each other may not b tt feasible in real life. its true to a certain extent that opposites attract... but i guess wat allows couples to stay together is actually being more similar den different. accomodations and even sacrifices can be made for the other person... it may work... but sometimes it can get really tiring n it doesn't really allow space for each other to grow as an individual... to the extent tt I becomes WE... ppl who are similar, in comparison, have less to change for the sake of the other... love cannot be all abt giving n sacrificing... we r not saints... if we r to concentrate on how we can make sacrifices, no matter how willing we r, it will be consuming too much of our energy n time... tt we cannot enjoy other aspects of loving the other person...
this is how i feel... i'm not trying to justify anything... there is no justification for hurting another person badly too... im sorry now n i will always be sorry for realising so late...I'm sorry...

on a happier note, i'm kind of warming up to sch although lessons are still yawn n slp inducing... but at least i feel warmth :)

back at sch :(

woah... first day back at sch n im feeling so grumpy... timetable is so screwed... cant help it... i din put effort into planning it... sigh... think im pms-ing... feeling highly irritable... i hope this sem will be fine n i can pull up my cap further...
it's raining... the rain falls... forming a sheet that separates ppl... we cannot see clearly... but beneath the shelters is warmth...
v random but ya... mus b PMS

hmmm

feeling kinda stressed all of a sudden... quite a bit of sep stuff to be settled... i really detest admin stuff... but i guess it can't b avoided n all the fuss will be worth it... got a rude shock when i checked nus email n the mail said pl3253 module had been taken away from some students cos of system error allocating it to students who dun fulfil prereq... i fulfil wat!!! gave me a scare lor... hai... sometimes having choices is not a good thing...

crazy

today a crazy somebody came all the way from je to simei to have dinner with me :) n had to cab back home :( love tt silly fool :)

2007 to 2008

the end and beginning of 2008 has been a whirlwind of events, which I will probably never ever forget... 2007 ended on a high note with the cambodia trip fr 13-27 dec where I made new friends and had loads of fun... the last few days of the year was spent with a dizzying mixture of emotions. I've nv done so much thinking into what I want, what I am. I've never had courage enough as much to hurt someone as I did. I've never felt so ashamed about myself. I've never had to hide things from the closest people in my life. I've never made a more decisive decision than this. Thanks superman for appearing in my life, making me follow my heart, Sorry Manfred, for taking up your time and thank you for giving me wonderful memories to hold on to... Thank you my dear friends, esp Geraldine who has been the source of reasoning n unconditional support. Things happen for a reason n i hope all that happens, is for the better. I do hope I never have to, and I never wan to hurt anyone again...